Why don’t we stop? Because we are impatient. I am struggling to see what the difference between active waiting and stopping is, but I do think it is interesting that the point of stopping is so that we will begin early knowing that we will need to stop. I think many of us do this anyway, looking ahead to our work schedule. We know we will have to stop so that we can take ourselves to some other commitment: class, teaching, meals, sleep.
For me the hardest part of “stop” is the saying no, especially since coming back to school. I feel that if I don’t do everything, don’t go to every event and participate in every activity; I am not taking full advantage of the gift I have been given, the opportunity to be here. But it wears on me. I need some time between working, writing, teaching, lesson planning, listening to readings, attending colloquiums, to stop. To give myself a break. And that should be ok. The hard part is that it doesn’t look that way on the outside. Saying no, not going to everything….people want to know why. “Where were you?” I wish it were acceptable to say: I was stopping, breathing.
I love the poetic quality of the last line. You should probably rewrite this blog into a poem. Just sayin. I totally agree with the having a hard time saying no, thing. I had that problem during my MFA and got roped into doing a lot of administrative work that wasn't very fruitful and mostly just depressed me. I'm trying to be more choosy with what I agree to do here, but like you said, it's hard to take a break. Possibly, I don't think break taking is very encouraged in the upper echelons of academia, and it's hard to reward one's self with one when there is so bloody much to do. Word girl, word.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar issue in terms of understanding the difference between stopping and active waiting. Other than one clearly functioning at the beginning of a process and the other capable of functioning throughout, I am not sure I can extract the precise difference. Both are invested in slowing down the process--not rushing--and striving to incorporate more reflection. All I can really make of it is that active waiting seems to be more of a way to initiating a project, even though you are producing actual written work. It still aims to prepare you for the process. Stopping, on the other hand, seems to be directed toward maintaining this productivity before it becomes stopped--or completely drained--for you. I am not sure that is the right or best answer, but I still think it is a good question you have raised.
ReplyDelete